They are asking both psychotherapists and LGBTQ couples who have gone to therapy to submit brief information about that experience that would help other therapists. The goal of this project is to collect and share information will help other therapists to provide better care for LGBTQ clients.

Please note that the deadline to submit this information is February 1st. You can send your responses to: gro.atselyagnull@tcejorpselpuoc

You can find out more about the project here.

Some of the information Gaylesta would like to know from clients includes:

• How important is it that your therapist be willing to disclose their sexual identity?  Does it matter to you whether they identify as LGBTQ? Why or why not?
• How have differences related to class/race/ethnicity/religion/etc. impacted your relationship?
• What was particularly helpful or not helpful in the way your therapist supported exploration regarding sexual difficulties?
• How has your therapist been able to be supportive or not during the transitioning of one member of the couple?
• If applicable, what has helped you feel that your therapist has understood and supported your alternative relationship constellation (i.e. polyamorous or nonmonogamous)?
• What do you wish your therapist knew about your identity and/or life that would (have) help(ed) in the therapy?
• What technique or insight initiated by your therapist in relation to you being LGBTQ helped the therapy?

Please note that this is not research and it’s not anonymous. Gaylesta intends to compile the responses, however your name will be removed from them.

Without My Consent is intended to provide resources and information to victims of online harassment to help them find safety, seek justice, and stand up for their rights. We also hope to provide psychological resources for people who have been harmed.

It is also our hope that our site serves as a deterrent to those who may be thinking of doing harm to another individual. These individuals may wish to seek help to process the intense or disturbing feelings that might lead them to want to lash out against another person in such a way.

This project was recently mentioned on June 2, 2011 in The New York Times story How to Unmask the Internet’s Vilest Characters. This article discussed one of Without My Consent’s strategies: encouraging victims to file suit pseudonymously.

Keep your eye on us. There will be some interesting news and updates coming soon.

Our names are Keely Kolmes and Dan Taube and we are licensed psychologists who would like to request your participation in our research on the effects of encountering your past or current therapist’s information on the Internet. This study has been approved by the Institutional Review Board of Alliant International University.

As a participant, you will be asked to complete an online survey covering your basic demographic information and your experiences regarding seeking or accidentally discovering information about your therapist on the Internet. We expect the survey to take about 20 to 35 minutes to complete.

Your input may help therapists to better understand if and how this information affects clients.

No names or personal information will be linked to the study and your participation will be completely anonymous so long as you do not put your name in your responses. If you should wish to contact the researchers directly, your participation may become confidential rather than anonymous, although your name will not be linked to any of the data you submit.

To be eligible for the study, you must be 18 or older, currently in psychotherapy, or have been in psychotherapy in the past, and have encountered or sought information about your therapist on the Internet.

If you meet the above criteria and are interested in participating in the study, you can access the survey at:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/finalclient

If you do not qualify for the study but you know others who might be interested in participating, feel free to forward this notice or URL. You may also share our research page with others on Facebook.

Thank you for your interest and participation.

Sincerely,

Keely Kolmes, Psy.D. moc.liamhsuhnull@semlokkrd

Daniel Taube, Ph.D., J.D. ude.tnaillanull@ebuatd

Thank you to everyone who participated in our survey. The summary of the results of the research Dan Taube, J.D., Ph.D. and I conducted on psychotherapists who have had intentional and accidental extra-therapeutic encounters with their clients on the Internet are posted on my research page. A larger slideshow can be viewed here.

To read a brief lit review and description of the research, please see our article Clinical implications of therapist-client interactions on the Internet: Boundary considerations in cyberspace.

Recently, on a professional listserv, someone posted a joke that a number of people found offensive. As the flood of responses filtered through, the listserv became divided. Some were disturbed to see the joke posted in a professional forum. Others defended the joke and the joker. As the conversation evolved, it became clear that the sender had knowingly posted the joke, that she thought it was funny, and now she felt hurt and misrepresented by those who found it offensive.

Well, there we were.

That was racist!

The thread brought to mind one of my favorite web videos called “How to Tell People They Sound Racist.” The video provides a model for how to talk to people when they’ve said something offensive and how to bring the focus to what was said rather than the speaker’s intentions.

While reading the exchanges on the e-mail list, I started to realize how much more useful it would be to have guidelines for how to respond when someone tells you that you’ve said something racist or otherwise offensive. This is an even harder task, and it’s where many of us probably need the most help.

Think of it this way: If someone tells you that you stepped on their foot, you don’t usually say, “How dare you think I’m someone who goes around stomping on feet! I’m offended that you would make such a negative assessment of my character!”

Of course, not. That would be ridiculous. Instead, most people say, “Oops! I’m so sorry!”

Why then, is it so difficult to respond in this fashion when someone says we’ve said something racist, offensive, or just plain hurtful?

Deconstructing difficult conversations

I see couples who struggle with this very problem on a much smaller scale. Let’s take the racist and offensive part out of it: two people come to my office trying to be heard, messages are getting misinterpreted, and both partners wind up frustrated, sad, or angered by these failures to connect. Maybe they want to give up entirely.

I do a lot of work with couples about communicating their feelings in conflict and how to respond in ways that help each of them get heard. Oftentimes, this means separating an accusation from the expression of hurt feelings. Sometimes one partner hears that blame even when the first partner hasn’t made any accusation. We work on restructuring a better interaction, slowing communication down, and tracking where and how it went off the rails.

Private vs. Public

I can think of few circumstances more challenging than being told you’ve said something hurtful or offensive to another person (other than perhaps having to be the one to bring up the hurt in the first place) even in private. So imagine how this challenge can be even more compounded if you’re told you’ve said something hurtful to an entire group, it’s in public, and it’s a professional setting with an audience of hundreds.

Yikes. Talk about a context for a difficult conversation!

The most natural thing to do in such a situation is to defend yourself and explain your intention. This is the “You should not have been offended by what I said and here’s why….” tactic. It feels right because most of us don’t intend to hurt other people, so it feels true. But….it misses the point.

A better alternative

If I’m ever in such a situation, what I hope to do would look a lot like what I try to do in smaller scale conversations and what I try to teach my couples to do: offer a validating response. This includes acknowledging the hurt or offense (even when you don’t necessarily agree that it should have hurt), recognizing why it may have been hurtful, and then — if you can muster it — expressing some appreciation to the person for letting you know and for educating you.

Try these steps:

1. Breathe
2. Acknowledge the hurt and offer validation.
3. Show appreciation to the person for letting you know.

Here is what that could look like: “Oh my, I can see how that sounded awful. I can imagine it hurt your feelings and maybe the feelings of others who heard it as well. I’m glad you brought it to my attention so I can be more sensitive in the future. Thank you for gently teaching me something here.”

These things typically should come before you explain where you were coming from. If you’ve conveyed an interest in hearing how you affected the other person, they are far more likely to be interested in hearing what you meant to say. Of course, all of this is much easier to imagine when you’re outside of such a conversation!

When we are in these conversations, we feel attacked. Or embarrassed. We defend. We forget to breathe. We get lost.

Give yourself (and others) a break

Take a moment to consider how much grace it takes to pause, reflect, breathe, and respond in ways that promote and preserve goodwill and understanding. Make an effort to try to bring this into your next difficult conversation. These are the conversations that could happen and that need to happen, both in one-on-one conversations and on a collective level.

Practice makes perfect

Remember that these skills can be learned and improved upon and they do get easier with practice.

Also conversations and relationships are ongoing. If you think you messed up a conversation that could have gone better, that doesn’t mean it’s over and gone forever. Try asking for a do-over. Or notice that you didn’t respond the way you would have liked and say you want to go back and say what you think you left out.

Most people are happy for the opportunity to feel better and this is a great way to show that you really care and you’re making an effort.

Another change that will affect everyone is the change to Pages. On people’s profiles, the Pages section will now be folded into Interests and users will be asked to convert Pages into Interests.

To quote from the CNN article linked to above:

So what happens when you are asked to convert your Pages into Interests? Let’s take a look.

When I logged into my Facebook account last night, I was informed that they had “improved” the profile so that it links to Pages, and I was offered the opportunity to convert my Pages. I wasn’t given a No option. Simply Link All to My Profile or Ask Me Later.

You can click on all images below to view larger versions.

You’ll note that in the image, there is small print saying, Learn more. When I clicked on Learn More here is what I learned: I learned that this was a really great thing that was going to enhance my Facebook experience and make my life an overall happier place.

There was no clear or accessible information to learn more about a decision NOT to convert Pages or how to not have them show up or even how it might compromise my privacy to just go ahead and Convert All as I was being encouraged to do.

In order to remove the Pages, I had to go at it sideways. I went back to my profile and selected Edit Information when viewing my profile.

Here is where I was able to select or deselect the Pages and confirm whether I did, in fact, want them on my profile.

Since the privacy updates will now make you connected to others via a number of your interests, I unchecked the boxes next to these Pages, and was subsequently warned that this would create blank spots on my profile. Okay with me.

Back on my main profile page, I was given a message to explain why some of my information had disappeared.

It is disturbing that never once in the process was I given any information about how the changes would affect my privacy. There was no link to a privacy policy or statement about what this step would do. There was just subtle pressure to go ahead and make the changes and warnings that I was going to make myself a Facebook pariah by not having certain information on my profile.

So where is this information to be found?

If you click on Help Center under your account on the right side of the screen, you will be taken to the Help pages.

In the Help Center, on the far right, there is a statement about New Profile Connections and a link to where you can Learn more about the new Community Pages and profile connections.

When you click on that link to learn more, here is where all the information I should have received upon login was hiding:

And of course, you can click on each topic to expand it, and there is the information about how this will affect the content on your profile.

Lots of people use Facebook. But not everyone is tech-savvy. There are moms and dads on Facebook, young people who are not tech-smart, teachers, doctors, and just plain old people who care about their privacy now and then. Even folks who are tech-savvy shouldn’t have to hunt around for updated privacy information.

So come on, Facebook. When you make changes that influence privacy, the very first pop-up we see when we sign into your site shouldn’t be a link asking us to Convert our Pages to Interests. It should be a link to how the action you’re asking us to respond to right now is going to affect our privacy.

Some further changes to Facebook?

There’s a Wall posting that’s been forwarded by folks saying:

FACEBOOK is at it again…violating your personal information: As of today, there is a new privacy setting called “Instant Personalization” that shares data with non-facebook websites and it is automatically set to “Allow.” Go to Account > Privacy Settings > Applications and Websites and uncheck “Allow,” then confirm that you’re opting out. Please repost.

I followed this path, and sure enough, here is what I saw:

When I clicked on “Allow” to deselect it, here’s the message I saw:

More information about how I may be depriving myself of a “richer” Facebook experience and the disclaimer that even opting out will not prevent my friends from sharing this information with others. Again, how come I had to be notified about this by my friends, Facebook, and not the service itself? Shady.

If you’re a mental health professional trying to keep a low profile on Facebook, you might consider emptying your profile of information you don’t want to share with people you are not directly connected to. Or, you may wish to also remove Pages/Interests from your profile to reduce the likelihood of being connected to others. A new option is becoming available which allows you to hide this information on your actual profile–again something I discovered through active searching but not made clear to me at any point during login.

A number of folks are talking about committing Facebook suicide. As we enter a new world in which our privacy is compromised without our notification, I can see the appeal.

Update, April 23

Kurt Opsahl at the Electronic Frontier Foundation also offers some detailed information on How to Opt Out of Facebook’s Instant Personalization.

One last note from me. A lot of folks recommend that you choose “Only Friends,” for many of your privacy settings. As I say to my colleagues, when it comes to Social Media, I am equal mixes of conservative, paranoid, yet adventurous. The paranoid part of me would like to recommend that you click on “Custom” for many of these settings and choose “Only Me,” for many of these settings if you really want to limit what folks can see on your profile. Why not? If they are really your friends, they know this stuff about you anyway, right?

I will be facilitating a Singles Salon for bisexual and lesbian women in San Francisco with HersnHers Connexions and Betty’s List in the coming months. Read more for details:

Talking About Dating, Relationships, Sex and Romance

A Salon Series from Hers & Hers Connexions

Dr. Keely Kolmes, Facilitator

When

Sunday Afternoons, 4:00 PM – 6:00 PM
May 16th, June 20th, July 11th, and August 22nd

Where

Castro Neighborhood Location in San Francisco

Topics

- Flirting & Making Connexions
- First Dates
- Managing Multiples & Monogamy / Sex & Singlehood
- Dating Deal-breakers, Deal-sealers, and Matches That Make It

Registration Information & Cost

$40 Per Session – Registration Required
Call the “Betty’s List” office line 415-503-1375 to schedule one or more sessions. Each is limited in size.

Salon participants will meet once-per-month for a free-flowing facilitated conversation on being Single that provides the chance to talk, listen, learn and explore a key life experience. Single life comes easily for some but is a challenge for others.

Come share your dating experiences, learn and be supported in your journey. Sessions begin with informal mingling, followed by the facilitated discussion.

Option to bring food or beverage to share.

**Please note that this is not a psychotherapy, support, or counseling group.**

I thought I would share with my blog readers my Five Dating Tips for Singles that I shared at the event last weekend:

1. Know yourself

Dating can often feel like one part clarity to two parts confusion. Learning more about your wants and needs can help turn that ratio around. Spend some time allowing yourself to dream and let go of previously held assumptions or the pictures other people have painted for you of what is ideal.

Do you want to date women, men, transfolk, any-or-all, or just whomever makes you feel happiest? Do you enjoy dating? Or would you prefer to focus on finding a serious relationship? Is dating even what you want to do right now? Don’t assume you should date just because you are single.

Do you like being monogamous or are you open to having multiple partners or romances? Are you seeking a traditional relationship or are you open to something less “standard,” such as living separately?

Allow yourself to think of what has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t worked so much. This will help you develop a clear picture of what you want now, and when that picture gets clear, it will be easier to communicate that vision to others who may want to be in it. You may be surprised to find that if you take some space and really think about it, the script you’ve followed before may not be the right dating script for you today.

2. Evaluate whether you are creating space for what you want

Getting clear on who you are and what you want is one thing. It’s another thing to take an honest look at whether you are allowing room in your life to find what you want. This can be a good thing to check in with your friends about. Are there things that keep you from connecting to others?

Some things that came up in my talk last week that can frequently get in the way of dating included kids, work, hobbies, exes or other relationships, and other passions which take up time and space. All of these things are good, but is there balance? You may want to see if you need to clear out some space to allow a new sexual intimacy or romance to bloom in your life. Re-evaluate periodically to be sure you’re dividing up your time the way you like. This could even mean noticing that you’re spending more time and energy on dates than you want to be, and you may need to adjust so that it feels more like pleasure than a mission.

3. Learn to understand your dating plan or style

Some people love using personal ads to meet people. Others prefer getting out to events and organized activities in order to meet new folks. Some people like physical activities like sports, dancing, or excursions while others like events focused on talking and conversation. Others may like just getting out in the world in less organized ways or going to bars or clubs. These preferences can depend a lot on such attributes such as shyness, introversion, or extraversion.

Think about how you have met friends and dates in the past. Now may be a time to shake up your routine and try something new or to fully embrace your style and recognize your preferences. Think about how you like to plan dates: do you prefer to take the lead or do you like another person to suggest activities or surprise you? Do you like to stay in your comfort zone on first dates or do something new to you?

This is also a good time to figure out how many dates a week you have the stamina for. One? Two? More? With how many different people? Do you need to make a decision about the potential of a new person quickly or does it take time for you to figure out if something can be more than a friendship? Are you comfortable with your pace and can you allow yourself to respect it? These are all important things to know about yourself before venturing into the dating waters.

4. Get clarity on what you can and can’t live without

Sit down and think about which qualities matter to you most in a date or a life partner. Make a list of things that you know you can’t do without. Make a similar list of things that are deal-breakers that would send you running in the other direction. There may also be things that you are more flexible about. What are they?

In your first drafts of these lists, allow yourself to be impulsive. You can re-evaluate later and some yes or no items may later move to the maybe zone. Think about whether chemistry or emotion ever leads you to ignore what you know you need or want. This may be a good question to ask some of your closest friends about too. They may have observations about your dating choices or style that are useful to hear. Friends can also help you keep your head and think about whether you discount people for superficial (or more “maybe” reasons) when they have a lot of the qualities on your “must have” list.

5. Check your responses

Are you finding that you are responding strongly to rejection or missed connections? Do you get disappointed often in dating? Are you having any fun? If you find that you are frequently in conflict with others on dates or that it feels like work or a bad time overall, it may be time to put things on pause and take more time to reflect on what’s blocking you. Remember that primal issues and emotions and even past traumas can get strongly tapped in in dating and relationships. If this seems to be a theme, you may want to consider therapy to help clarify what is in your way and help you get on track.

And remember that new relationships can also benefit from therapy! People do not need to wait until a relationship is in trouble to learn to develop healthy ways of communicating and handling conflict. New couples sometimes go to therapy to learn how to plant the seeds for a more fulfilling relationship. So if you find someone in your dating adventures who is worth hanging onto, be open to putting some work into the relationship in the beginning. I will offer Tips for New Couples in a future blog post!

I will give my Dating Tips for Singles and will facilitate small group activities that will help folks relax and easily get to know one another.

This event is for single women of all ages and my interactive part of the evening will be followed by dancing with lesbian rock band Finding Stella.

Please join us!

Saturday, February 6th
5:30 PM – 11:00 PM

Find out more and buy your tickets now, on Betty’s website.

The program includes:

- Single Exchange Sessions – Mingle & Interactive: 6:00 PM – 8:30 PM

- Break & Reset: 8:30 PM – 9:00 PM

Hotel Adagio
16th Floor Roof * Siena & Seville Rooms
550 Geary Street (between Taylor & Jones)
San Francisco

You can also look forward to the spring when Betty and I will be putting together an exciting series of Singles Salons for queer women.

More details to come!

The rest of the issue includes articles about online self-assessment on Google, blogger support communities, online therapy, and an analysis of treatment for Internet addiction. The issue also includes a Q&A on ethical, legal, and licensing issues in clinical work online, and a brief introduction to “the Net generation,” for clinicians unfamiliar with online life. So be sure to check it out if you are interested in clinical issues and digital life!