They are asking both psychotherapists and LGBTQ couples who have gone to therapy to submit brief information about that experience that would help other therapists. The goal of this project is to collect and share information will help other therapists to provide better care for LGBTQ clients.

Please note that the deadline to submit this information is February 1st. You can send your responses to: gro.atselyagnull@tcejorpselpuoc

You can find out more about the project here.

Some of the information Gaylesta would like to know from clients includes:

• How important is it that your therapist be willing to disclose their sexual identity?  Does it matter to you whether they identify as LGBTQ? Why or why not?
• How have differences related to class/race/ethnicity/religion/etc. impacted your relationship?
• What was particularly helpful or not helpful in the way your therapist supported exploration regarding sexual difficulties?
• How has your therapist been able to be supportive or not during the transitioning of one member of the couple?
• If applicable, what has helped you feel that your therapist has understood and supported your alternative relationship constellation (i.e. polyamorous or nonmonogamous)?
• What do you wish your therapist knew about your identity and/or life that would (have) help(ed) in the therapy?
• What technique or insight initiated by your therapist in relation to you being LGBTQ helped the therapy?

Please note that this is not research and it’s not anonymous. Gaylesta intends to compile the responses, however your name will be removed from them.

The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. The NCSF aims to advance the rights of, and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities. They do this through direct services, education, advocacy, and outreach, in conjunction with their partners, to directly benefit these communities.

Read a snippet from NCSF’s press release below.

NCSF Publishes Important Information for Your Mental Health

NCSF and the NCSF Foundation are proud to announce two new and valuable publications: A Guide to Choosing a Kink-Aware Therapist, and the Therapists Guide to Polyamory.

A Guide to Choosing a Kink-Aware Therapist , created by Keely Kolmes Psy.D. and Geri Weitzman Ph.D., will help people who engage in BDSM find a therapist who can accept them without judgment or prejudice. Some therapists cause more harm than good when they slap a label of mental illness on a client simply because they enjoy kinky sex.

“Over the years, I have received many calls from folks around the globe who wanted access to therapy that was respectful of their kink identity, but didn’t know where to turn to find it,” says co-author Geri Weitzman, PhD. “We are excited to share this resource on finding kink-aware therapists with our community, in the belief that a warmly accepting therapeutic environment should be available to all.”

“Therapy needs to be a place where you can feel safe to bring your whole self. I hope that our article is a helpful tool for kink-identified clients and the therapists who want to learn more about working competently with them,” agrees co-author Keely Kolmes, Psy.D.

NCSF has also published second paper for therapists: A Therapist’s Guide to Polyamory. This resource can also be found on their site.

If you are interested in Friday afternoon sessions at 12, 1pm, or 2pm, these times will become available.

If you are a current client, I will update you on the changes and have you sign a new Acknowledgment of Notifications form to indicate that you are aware of these changes when we next meet.

Please note that since this original blog post, I have updated my Social Media Policy to include information about location-based check-ins and some other items not mentioned on this page. You are welcome to download the current document.

Other clinicians may copy, share, or adapt this policy to suit your own practice needs, but you may not use this work for commercial purposes. If you use my policy for training or educational purposes, please cite me as the original author.

Thanks to everyone who provided feedback on my first draft. I have slightly modified some sections and added a bit more to this document. I realized that some sections needed a bit more explanation so that clients would understand my rationale for my practice choices. When this policy is final, I will upload it to my forms page and print it up for current clients. As before, I invite anyone to copy or modify this form for their own practice.

This document outlines my office policies related to use of social media. Please read to understand how I conduct myself on the Internet and how you can expect me to respond to various requests and interactions between us.

If a time should come when I revise any of these policies, I will bring an updated copy of this form to our session so that you are aware of any changes.

If you have any questions about anything within this document, I encourage you to bring them up when we meet.

Friending

I do not accept friend requests from current or former clients. This holds true on Facebook, LinkedIn, and all other social networking sites. My reasons for this are that I believe that adding clients as friends on these websites can compromise confidentiality and blur the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship. If you have questions about this, please feel free to bring them up when we meet and I’m happy to talk more about it.

Fanning

I maintain a Facebook Page for my professional practice. I use this Page to allow colleagues to share my blog postings and practice updates within Facebook. All of these articles are also directly available on my website.

While you are always welcome to visit my Facebook Page and read or share articles posted there, I do not allow clients to become Fans of this Page. I believe having clients as Fans of this Page creates an even greater likelihood of compromised client privacy and I do not want others who may look through my list of Fans to find any clients listed. In addition, it is a violation of my professional ethics code to solicit testimonials from clients. I feel that the term “Fan” implies a request for a public endorsement of my practice.

If you are my client and I see that you have become a Fan of my Facebook Page, you can expect me to discuss this with you in-session and request that you remove yourself from my Page. If it will be awhile before our next scheduled meeting, I may remove you myself and I will discuss it with you during our next session.

Please note that you can subscribe to the page via RSS without becoming a Fan and without creating a visible, public link to my Page. You are welcome to do this.

Following

I currently maintain a professional Twitter stream. If you use an easily recognizable (to me) name on Twitter and I notice that you’ve followed me there, you can expect me to bring it up in therapy so that we can briefly discuss it.

My primary concern will be your privacy. There are more private ways to follow me on Twitter (such as subscribing using an RSS feed or using a locked Twitter list), which would eliminate your having a public link to my content. But you are welcome to use your own discretion in choosing whether to follow me. There is nothing I post here that I would not want you to see.

Please note that I will not follow you back.

I do not follow current or former clients on blogs or Twitter. If there are things you wish to share with me from your online life, I strongly encourage you to bring them into our sessions where we can process them together, during the therapy hour.

Interacting

Please do not use messaging on websites such as Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn to contact me. These sites are not secure and I may not read these messages in a timely fashion. If you need to contact me between sessions, the best way to do so is by phone. Direct email at drkkolmes [at] gmail is second best for quick, administrative issues such as changing appointment times. Please see the email section below for more information regarding email interactions.

Use of Search Engines

It is NOT a regular part of my practice to search for clients on Google or other search engines. Extremely rare exceptions to this may be made during times of crisis. If I have a reason to suspect that you are in danger and you have not been in touch with me via our usual means (coming to appointments, phone, or email) there may be a circumstance in which using a search engine (to find you, find someone close to you, or to check on your status) becomes necessary as part of ensuring your welfare. These are extremely rare situations and if I resort to such means, I will document it and discuss it with you when we next meet.

Google Reader

I do not follow current or former clients on Google Reader. I also do not use this account to share articles with current or former clients. I share many links of interest via my Twitter account, which you are welcome to read. If there are things you want to share with me that you feel are relevant to your treatment, I encourage you to bring these items of interest into our sessions.

Business Review Sites

There are a number of different websites including Yelp and Healthgrades, on which you may find my practice information. Many of these sites comb search engines for business listings and automatically add listings. If you should find my listing on these sites, please know that my listing on any of these sites is NOT a request for a testimonial or endorsement from you as my client.

The American Psychological Association’s Ethics Code states under Principle 5.05 that it is unethical for psychologists to solicit testimonials: “Psychologists do not solicit testimonials from current therapy clients/patients or other persons who because of their particular circumstances are vulnerable to undue influence.”

Of course, you have a right to express yourself on any site you wish, but due to confidentiality, I cannot respond to any review on any of these sites whether it is positive or negative. I urge you to take your own privacy as seriously as I take my commitment of confidentiality to you.

If we are working together, it is my hope that you will bring your feelings and reactions to our work directly into the therapy process. This can be an important part of therapy, even if you decide we are not a good fit. If you still choose to write something on a business review site, then please remember this is a public forum on which you could be sharing personally revealing information. I urge you to create a pseudonym that is not linked to your regular email address or friend networks.

Lastly, none of this means that you cannot share that you are in therapy with me wherever and with whomever you like. Confidentiality means that I cannot tell people that you are my client and my ethics code prohibits me from requesting testimonials. But you are more than welcome to tell anyone you wish that I’m your therapist in any forum of your choosing.

Email

I prefer to use email only to arrange or modify appointments. Please do not use email to send content related to your therapy sessions, as email is not completely secure or confidential. If you choose to communicate with me by email, please be aware that all emails are retained in the logs of your and my Internet service providers. While it is unlikely that someone will be looking at these logs, they are, in theory, available to be read by the system administrator(s) of the Internet service provider. You should also know that any email I receive from you and any responses that I send to you will be printed out by me and kept in your treatment record.

Yesterday, I posted a draft of my Social Media Policy for Psychotherapy on this blog. I also included a link on Twitter. I made it clear that this was a work in progress and asked folks to feel free to comment or suggest additions. Of all the public and private feedback I received, the section of my policy that garnered the most criticism was the part about deleting clients who become “Fans” of my Facebook Page. I appreciate the feedback, and I may modify the language of this section to soften it a bit. I also need to add sections on use of pseudonyms by both therapist and client and on consumer review sites such as Yelp and Google and Yahoo Business.

Thank you to @susangiurleo and @TriBeCaTherapy over on Twitter for some different perspectives and for raising questions about how it might affect a client to be deleted as a “Fan” from a therapist’s Page. I certainly don’t want for a client to feel hurt or rejected. The very reason I’m creating a Social Media Policy in the first place–and discussing it with clients–is to minimize the potential for such feelings of rejection. I’m making it extremely clear that this policy is universal for all clients and not personal. I’m also explaining my rationale. I want this information to be clear and accessible before such events transpire so that it’s not a mystery as to how I’ll respond. Thus far, I haven’t ever been in a position to have to delete a client from my Facebook Page. I suspect that this is because I work mostly with fairly media savvy adults who care about their privacy. Most who have any interest in my social media presence know how to access it while still retaining their privacy. But this could easily change.

I was asked why I would even create a Facebook Page if I did not wish for clients to become “Fans.” Great question. First, I am fascinated by social media and I swim in it, explore it, teach and write about it. Other clinicians consult with me both in terms of creating and modifying their own social media presence and to better understand how clients may engage online. I also work with clients who live and breathe on the Internet. It’s fairly impossible to specialize in this arena without beta testing things now and then in order to understand how they work from the inside. I also wanted to experiment with Facebook ads (which I’m no longer using) to see if I found them effective for advertising my practice. My Page was one way to attract potential clients to my content, and ultimately, my website.

I initially had strong concerns about establishing a Facebook Page because I worried that my only “Fans,” would be friends and family members and this brought up concerns about my own privacy! And yet, these were the best people to help me first experiment with the Page. I do still have some friends and family members as “Fans” of my Facebook Page. But I now also have people as “Fans,” who are trusted colleagues, clinicians in other cities who I’ve never met, and others who do not practice psychotherapy who just found and appreciate my posts. My Facebook Page allows others to read and share my postings within Facebook, which is nice for those who don’t use RSS feeds, regularly read blogs, or use Twitter.

Back to those who did not like my position on declining to have clients as “Fans.” It was pointed out that clients are grown-ups and I should not be making this decision for them. This is a valid point, but it raises some issues. Grown-up (and non-grown-up) clients may think a lot of things are okay that don’t feel okay to me in my clinical practice. Some of those things might include socializing or exchanging casual emails between sessions or feeling less concerned about the state of my record-keeping. Yes, despite my own commitment to maintaining client confidentiality, my clients themselves can choose to reveal they are in therapy with me whenever and to whomever they choose. However, this does not relieve me of my ethical obligations regarding confidentiality, or grant me permission to solicit client endorsements.

Sure, my clients are grown-ups, but I am also a grown-up running a clinical practice, and as such, I also have a right (and a responsibility) to establish policies and procedures that feel appropriate to me. My Facebook Page is part of my business and I get to set up how I’d like to conduct business on that Page. If a client wishes to disclose their therapeutic relationship with me, they always have the right and ability do so on their own Pages, profiles, blogs, or accounts.

One person said that I should not deny clients the kind of access that anyone else on the Internet has access to which was interesting. However, I am not actually limiting anyone’s access to my professional practice content or information in any way at all. Every piece of this information is on a public Page and “Fans” and “non-Fans” have the same access to it. I’m neither blocking them from accessing the Page nor preventing them from reading anything my other “Fans” can view. They can still see it, read it, share it with others, save it, and so on. The only thing they are unable to do is publicly link themselves to my Page. I fail to see how this is hurtful to a client.

I am not a rock star. I do not need my clients to be my “Fans,” particularly on a site which already has an unstable track record in regard to user privacy. The way I see it, other than the positive interpersonal exchange (pride, recognition, and other warm feelings between client and therapist), the person who stands to benefit the most from getting clients as “Fans,” on their practice Page is actually the therapist. By not accepting clients as “Fans,” I’m taking a stand against cavalier privacy policies in exchange for lower numbers. I’m willing to forgo a few extra “Fans” of my practice on Facebook if the trade-off is that those who might be curious about my clients are being told unequivocally: “You will not find people on this Page who are in treatment with me.”

Hopefully, I’m not short-changing my therapeutic relationships of the positive interactions that can still happen off of Facebook and in my actual office when clients admit that they had a desire to “Fan” or link to me. Other clients simply make mention of my blog or Twitter postings that had special meaning to them and in this way we can together acknowledge their care and interest in my work outside of the therapy room without them having to publicly endorse my presence on a website. Clearly, a client doesn’t have to be a “Fan” or “Follower” for us to both find value in these exchanges and work with the transference privately, within the walls of my office.

The beauty of office agreements and policies is that we all get to craft policies that reflect our own unique beliefs and values as clinicians. If you have a different stance on social media, patient privacy, or clinical care, then by all means create a social media policy that works for you and your practice. It would delight me to see other mental health professionals sharing different policies and agreements so that these can be accessible to clients who would like to know about your specific rules and boundaries. It would also allow clients to self-select clinicians whose policies best match their own beliefs and values. I think it would also be useful to other mental health professionals crafting their own policies to see a variety of practices related to different clinical perspectives and theoretical orientations.

Of course, I am still welcoming commentary on my own Social Media Policy which I know will evolve along with changes in the Internet. So if you have feedback, please share it via email or on Twitter.

Update: June 6, 2010

As of April, Facebook changed the “Become a Fan,” button to a “Like” button. While the terminology of the action of endorsing a page has changed, my beliefs about the problems inherent with clients “Liking” your business page on Facebook remain the same.

© 2010 Keely Kolmes, Psy.D.

To cite this page: Kolmes, K. (2010) I’m not a rock star! (More thoughts on Facebook fanning). Retrieved month/day/year from http://drkkolmes.com/2010/01/26/im-not-a-rock-star-more-thoughts-on-facebook-fanning/.

It doesn’t happen often, but once in awhile, I will meet with a client who asks me some variation of the above. The thing that is most challenging (to me) about clients who directly ask what they should do is that they are usually those who are experiencing the most pain and confusion. It makes sense that people who are struggling, hurting, or experiencing despair would want someone to tell them what to do to make it stop. And, often, I would like to help them make it stop too, so there is a strong pull to give an answer.

But giving advice is not psychotherapy. Therapy is a place to explore your feelings and learn about yourself. It’s a place of self-discovery. It’s a place to find out how you have become tangled up and a place to learn how to untangle yourself. It’s a place to gain a better understanding of your inner world and your relationships. This process is what people come into therapy to learn. It’s what mental health professionals go to school to learn how to provide. Sometimes it takes time and reflection to see the patterns and it isn’t a quick fix, as much as both therapist and client sometimes wish it were. Sometimes just acknowledging and sitting with that pain, confusion, and wish for an immediate answer is the best thing we can do.

This does not mean that I withhold information from clients when I think it might be helpful. If I notice a theme or have some concern that a client may not be acting in their best interest, I speak up. It also doesn’t mean that I am non-directive. There are times when I get very directive with clients. I integrate cognitive-behavioral interventions in my work and I tend to use them when people need symptomatic relief or when people are trying to break habits. At the most extreme that can happen when someone is in danger and I need to get them into the hospital or go over a safety plan with them. In these cases, we may make a list of people to call and things to do when they are feeling actively suicidal.

Less extreme versions of my being directive may include encouraging a client to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Or I may develop a plan for a client to do breathing or relaxation exercises when she or he is anxious or call a friend to go to the gym when depressed. With my couples, I often prescribe “homework,” which includes communication exercises or plans to notice positive aspects of one another or the relationship. In my dissertation support group, I will sometimes make suggestions to counteract procrastination.

But these are specific treatment approaches to specific problems and not the same thing as telling a client what to do with major life decisions. If you want a therapist to tell you what to do, as opposed to helping you figure out what is right for you, it could be worth thinking twice about what you’re seeking. Some people want others to tell them what to do because it means not having to take responsibility if things don’t work out. Friends and counselors can give you advice. But if what you are looking for is just someone to give advice or tell you the things that have worked for them, it may not be psychotherapy that you’re looking for. Conversely, if you are going to therapy and you find that your therapist fills the time with advice, suggestions, or anecdotes about their life, it could indicate that they have some discomfort with allowing the therapeutic process to unfold. Be aware that you can find someone else who creates the space for your process of becoming conscious and finding the answers that are right for you.

Days:

September 2, 9, 16, 23, and 30

Time:

Wednesdays, 4:00 – 5:30pm

Location:

San Francisco (2148 Market St. between Church and Sanchez)

Cost:

$30 per session per person, $150 for month of September

The dissertation process can be challenging. Students struggle with isolation, procrastination, time-management issues, feeling stuck, and moments of low self-esteem. Some lack adequate support from advisors, school, friends, or family.  I offer a weekly support group for graduate students who are in the dissertation phase of their academic career. Learn to structure your time while getting support from others.

This group utilizes co-working and an email list to help extend support beyond our weekly meetings.  Group is open to graduate students of all sexes, genders, and sexual orientations and is open to up to 8 participants at a time.

All members have a free initial interview. I will also maintain a waiting list in the event that the group is temporarily full.

Please call or email me for more information.

Recently, I was having one of those weeks. The details aren’t important, but I’ll acknowledge that I had taken on a few too many things. Top it off with having a few people needing to meet at different times. Add to that one way I manage client confidentiality: putting client names into my hard calendar (which I do not carry about with me) and then transcribing the sessions later to my iPhone calender simply as “client,” to preserve confidentiality in the event that my phone is lost or stolen.

The result?

I mistakenly transposed a client session time from my hard calendar to an hour later in my phone. And, yes, I missed the client appointment. A client arrived at my office, waited in the waiting room, perhaps knocked on my door, wondering about my whereabouts, and I wasn’t there. The mistake was realized within the hour and I phoned her and we spoke.

But still. I was confused and felt bad that it had happened.

After eleven years of becoming accustomed to some clients not showing up, some clients canceling last minute…this was new. Never before had I been the one to miss the session.

Therapy is about being present. Being witness to your client’s emotional life, and literally, being awake and engaged for fifty minutes at a time, taking in all that your client shares and responding based upon your knowledge of the history of this person. What then, do you do when you fail to be present in the most obvious of ways? By actually not showing up?

This event brought me back to 1992:

A year into therapy with my therapist, I show up at her office, which also happens to be her home. As I pull my car into her long gravel driveway, deep into the woods of Pittsboro, NC, I notice that her car isn’t there. Hmm.

Maybe her car is being serviced?

The front door of her home is unlocked, as usual and I open the door and let myself into her office and sit down on her couch to wait. Her orange tabby cat pokes his nose into the office and then rubs his body against the doorframe as he sways back into the recesses of the house.

I wait for about ten minutes, but I think I knew she wasn’t there from the instant I’d arrived. Still, it slowly dawns on me that she’s not just running late…but she probably isn’t coming to our session at all. This is….different.

I stand and walk into the hallway and hover there, weighing the threshold between her therapy office and the rest of her home..the edge where her work life ends and her real life begins. I look for the first time into her living room…forbidden territory which I’ve never had a real glimpse of before. I scan the room, taking in all I can from my vantage point in the doorway, looking at signs of her lived life: a blanket on the sofa, books and magazines on the table, pictures on the walls, a coffee cup on a side table. I call out her name. Nothing. Nobody home. I note the desire to walk further into her home and poke around. This seems such a unique opportunity to learn more about her, but the thought of being discovered wandering around her home is a strong deterrent. I slowly leave her house, get back into my car, and drive home.

When I get home, I call and leave a message: “It’s Keely. I think you forgot our appointment today.” She calls back later that day to apologize and I joke on the phone,”Well, I was going to discuss my abandonment issues with you today, but you didn’t show up.” I appreciate how it feels completely okay for me to make this joke because she has been there for me, week after week, for over a year. It is clearly a joke, and her missed appointment this day is a clear aberration. I know she will laugh at my joke. And she does. And that feels good. I know she knows it’s not a big deal to me, and that she is forgiven.

I can’t even remember if we spent any more time of it other than a brief acknowledgment at the beginning of the next session.

Back to 2009:

But here I am, 17 years later, a therapist myself, who is earlier into treatment with some clients who do not yet know or trust that I will be there for them. When we make mistakes as therapists, how do we convey both our regret, and the reassurance that this is not typical. And, more importantly, despite the fact that (hopefully) mistakes of this nature are atypical how do we position ourselves to be fully available for the range of our client’s feelings, whether they be rage, despair, sadness, or blame over the fact that we have let them down? Some clients may shrug off a mistake as no big deal, but for others it can be a very big deal. We cannot let our own desires for forgiveness and understanding get in the way of our first job to our clients which is to be present for their feelings.

Many of our clients have long histories that involve being let down by others. When a therapist fails the client in any way, this often ripples on the theme of being let down by others. It can be important to show up and be present for the processing of how this affects our client. Patients can also use their own responses to therapist errors to explore past failures by others in their own lives. When a therapist hides or denies her mistake, she not only risks avoiding an opportunity to move the therapy forward, but also creates a second breach by showing she cannot be trusted to model appropriate responsibility or, even, the ability to enact human error.

This brings me to my other point: the awareness that for some of my clients, a big piece of the work is about perfectionism and self-forgiveness. How do we allow ourselves, as therapists, to be both present for our clients, and, at the same time, models of real human beings who are imperfect? Is my self-flagellation a lesson I want to share with my client? Or would it better benefit her for me to be self-forgiving? Where does one find the balance, and how much of this can we convey to our client? How do we create appropriate space to talk about mistakes without spending too much time on them? Do we make it clear that the client can return to it, if we move on and she later finds it’s still nagging at her? Difficult questions and likely the right response depends upon each particular client.

Another factor for consideration: my office policy explains that I charge my full fee if a client does not adhere to my 24-hour cancellation policy. I do not feel it bodes well for the therapeutic relationships if we convey the belief that we value our own time more highly than those of our clients. This can be an interesting conversation to have with a client. What would she think is fair in the event of a therapist missing the session? A free session? A half-fee session? An extra fifteen minutes at the end of one session? A free pass for a same-day cancellation in the future without the penalty of full-fee? What is appropriate for a therapist to offer and what veers again into the zone of being too repentant? This exchange can be a rich opportunity for exploration with clients who wish to engage in it. Again, this can also bring up deeper issues related to fairness and resolution connected to other issues in our client’s lives.

In the end, an important lesson for me as a therapist was that sometimes unintended things happen. We may strive for consistency and perfection, but we are all imperfect. We hope that over time that our consistency and responsibility will become apparent to our clients. But one goal of therapy is to reach a safe attachment in which one can weather disappointments and unintentional blunders without either party (especially the client) having to experience the threat of losing the relationship. Mistakes do happen and sometimes it’s just as important for us as therapists to remember this as it is for our clients. And, as in all relationships ― not just the therapeutic ones ― it’s often not about whether mistakes occur, but how they are acknowledged and repaired that really counts.