Would you like to join an intimate group of Single women, and explore with them some of the joys and challenges of dating in the Bay Area women’s community?

I will be facilitating a Singles Salon for bisexual and lesbian women in San Francisco with HersnHers Connexions and Betty’s List in the coming months. Read more for details:

Talking About Dating, Relationships, Sex and Romance

A Salon Series from Hers & Hers Connexions

Dr. Keely Kolmes, Facilitator

When

Sunday Afternoons, 4:00 PM – 6:00 PM
May 16th, June 20th, July 11th, and August 22nd

Where

Castro Neighborhood Location in San Francisco

Topics

- Flirting & Making Connexions
- First Dates
- Managing Multiples & Monogamy / Sex & Singlehood
- Dating Deal-breakers, Deal-sealers, and Matches That Make It

Registration Information & Cost

$40 Per Session – Registration Required
Call the “Betty’s List” office line 415-503-1375 to schedule one or more sessions. Each is limited in size.

Salon participants will meet once-per-month for a free-flowing facilitated conversation on being Single that provides the chance to talk, listen, learn and explore a key life experience. Single life comes easily for some but is a challenge for others.

Come share your dating experiences, learn and be supported in your journey. Sessions begin with informal mingling, followed by the facilitated discussion.

Option to bring food or beverage to share.

**Please note that this is not a psychotherapy, support, or counseling group.**

Last week, I spoke at a singles event for women. There is such a high emphasis in our culture on finding a partner that it can be hard to recognize what a rich opportunity being single can offer us. It is a chance to learn more about who you are and your wants and needs as you discover how you experience different dates and potential partners.

I thought I would share with my blog readers my Five Dating Tips for Singles that I shared at the event last weekend:

1. Know yourself

Dating can often feel like one part clarity to two parts confusion. Learning more about your wants and needs can help turn that ratio around. Spend some time allowing yourself to dream and let go of previously held assumptions or the pictures other people have painted for you of what is ideal.

Do you want to date women, men, transfolk, any-or-all, or just whomever makes you feel happiest? Do you enjoy dating? Or would you prefer to focus on finding a serious relationship? Is dating even what you want to do right now? Don’t assume you should date just because you are single.

Do you like being monogamous or are you open to having multiple partners or romances? Are you seeking a traditional relationship or are you open to something less “standard,” such as living separately?

Allow yourself to think of what has worked for you in the past and what hasn’t worked so much. This will help you develop a clear picture of what you want now, and when that picture gets clear, it will be easier to communicate that vision to others who may want to be in it. You may be surprised to find that if you take some space and really think about it, the script you’ve followed before may not be the right dating script for you today.

2. Evaluate whether you are creating space for what you want

Getting clear on who you are and what you want is one thing. It’s another thing to take an honest look at whether you are allowing room in your life to find what you want. This can be a good thing to check in with your friends about. Are there things that keep you from connecting to others?

Some things that came up in my talk last week that can frequently get in the way of dating included kids, work, hobbies, exes or other relationships, and other passions which take up time and space. All of these things are good, but is there balance? You may want to see if you need to clear out some space to allow a new sexual intimacy or romance to bloom in your life. Re-evaluate periodically to be sure you’re dividing up your time the way you like. This could even mean noticing that you’re spending more time and energy on dates than you want to be, and you may need to adjust so that it feels more like pleasure than a mission.

3. Learn to understand your dating plan or style

Some people love using personal ads to meet people. Others prefer getting out to events and organized activities in order to meet new folks. Some people like physical activities like sports, dancing, or excursions while others like events focused on talking and conversation. Others may like just getting out in the world in less organized ways or going to bars or clubs. These preferences can depend a lot on such attributes such as shyness, introversion, or extraversion.

Think about how you have met friends and dates in the past. Now may be a time to shake up your routine and try something new or to fully embrace your style and recognize your preferences. Think about how you like to plan dates: do you prefer to take the lead or do you like another person to suggest activities or surprise you? Do you like to stay in your comfort zone on first dates or do something new to you?

This is also a good time to figure out how many dates a week you have the stamina for. One? Two? More? With how many different people? Do you need to make a decision about the potential of a new person quickly or does it take time for you to figure out if something can be more than a friendship? Are you comfortable with your pace and can you allow yourself to respect it? These are all important things to know about yourself before venturing into the dating waters.

4. Get clarity on what you can and can’t live without

Sit down and think about which qualities matter to you most in a date or a life partner. Make a list of things that you know you can’t do without. Make a similar list of things that are deal-breakers that would send you running in the other direction. There may also be things that you are more flexible about. What are they?

In your first drafts of these lists, allow yourself to be impulsive. You can re-evaluate later and some yes or no items may later move to the maybe zone. Think about whether chemistry or emotion ever leads you to ignore what you know you need or want. This may be a good question to ask some of your closest friends about too. They may have observations about your dating choices or style that are useful to hear. Friends can also help you keep your head and think about whether you discount people for superficial (or more “maybe” reasons) when they have a lot of the qualities on your “must have” list.

5. Check your responses

Are you finding that you are responding strongly to rejection or missed connections? Do you get disappointed often in dating? Are you having any fun? If you find that you are frequently in conflict with others on dates or that it feels like work or a bad time overall, it may be time to put things on pause and take more time to reflect on what’s blocking you. Remember that primal issues and emotions and even past traumas can get strongly tapped in in dating and relationships. If this seems to be a theme, you may want to consider therapy to help clarify what is in your way and help you get on track.

And remember that new relationships can also benefit from therapy! People do not need to wait until a relationship is in trouble to learn to develop healthy ways of communicating and handling conflict. New couples sometimes go to therapy to learn how to plant the seeds for a more fulfilling relationship. So if you find someone in your dating adventures who is worth hanging onto, be open to putting some work into the relationship in the beginning. I will offer Tips for New Couples in a future blog post!

Please note that the ThirtySomethings and Connexions event that I’ll be speaking at and facilitating this Saturday, February 6th has a new location.

It will now be taking place at Aquarium of the Bay @ Pier 39 – in the Farallon Room.

This event offers a fun, relaxed way for single women to connect and get to know one another. You may even learn a bit about yourself in dating and relationships. I’ll be offering dating tips for singles and facilitating small group activities.

Please come!

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

5:00 PM – 5:15 PM – Arrival
5:15 PM – 6:00 PM – Mingle Walk Through the Aquarium
6:00 PM – 6:30 PM – Welcome Activity with Roke Noir
6:30 PM – 8:30 PM  – Interactive Discussion and break out groups with Keely Kolmes, Psy.D. and Roke Noir
8:30 PM – Break
9:00 PM – Singles Party & Dance with Finding Stella Band
Hard Rock Café @ Pier 39

You can find out more details and still get tickets on Betty’s page.

I hope to see you there.

A couple of SXSW panels that I’d really like to attend managed to slip through the cracks. I’m going to blame it on the plethora of amazing talks and panels overwhelming me on my first pass. But I want to give these two a mention, as I think they should be very interesting.

Friendship is Dead by Russ Unger and David Armano will explore the difference between online and offline friendships. They ask, whether social networking tools have diluted the meaning of friendship and what it really means to add or “collect,” friends. I’m interested in topics like this which address issues of relationships and community, and how social networking can expand or constrict our notions of connection.

Also, Nerd Baiter: Using the Gadgets to Get the Geeks by Tara Brown sets out to look at how people can use social networking to attract potential dating partners. Brown says she will explore both services and applications which can be used by people to get more of what they want out of their dating lives. I’m looking forward to learning more and hearing the conversaiton that ensues.

With the Festival only just a week away, I’m getting very excited. See you in Austin!